My Soul Hurts

Let me tell you something pretty heartless that happened to me recently amidst all the drama with Sabayon. I’m still in disbelief over this one. It hurt so much, but it doesn’t look like anything is going to happen about it.

When I resigned, Fabio came to me to try to convince me to stay, and that actually made me feel pretty good. I’m a nice guy, and I really did have the utmost respect for him. He and Christopher really were “mommy and daddy,” and I loved them both and was more devoted to them and Sabayon than I think anybody else will ever truly be able to grasp. So, I let him talk to me. I mean, after all, I owed him an ear anyway and was happy to give it to “mommy” (yes, he’s male, but you get the analogy), and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to leave (it was really, really painful for me to leave actually), and, well, he was Fabio! So I let him talk to me.

Then, I suppose Fabio had a guy who goes by Dark Mage come to me and try to get me to stay as well. I’d never gotten to know this developer. All I’d really known about him for certain was that he was not at all a fan of my artwork, marketing and design theories, or direction I was advocating taking. But I also knew he was a comrade as a Sabayon developer, and thus like a brother, and I can handle criticism like a champion anyway. So even though it was the first time I’d talked to him, I greeted him warmly and let him begin to try to convince me to stay.

The conversation started out alright, but then he said some things I wasn’t so sure about. But hey, okay. Naturally, it’s been a time of much drama, and even if I’d just posted my resignation, he and everybody else at Sabayon would always be sincerely dear to my heart like family, so okay. But then, maybe he got frustrated with me not easily changing my mind and deciding to stay, or maybe that I put in a good word for my old team of artists, or perhaps it was because I voiced concerns over him saying that the Sabayon shop belonged only to him and not even to anybody else at Sabayon, or who knows. But he said the cruelest thing, singlehandedly stunning me and dropping my blood pressure back down to dangerous levels.

He told me that I’d worked just for me, and not for Sabayon. Me. The severely sick kid who lost all the hopes of his life, no more junior olympic archery, no more going to compete in Okinawa for karate, no more being able to go outside or get out of bed every day, no more getting to go to design school next year; the kid who all he had left was Sabayon. It was completely untrue and we both knew it along with everybody else back at Sabayon, but there, he’d said it anyway. I don’t know how anybody could say that to somebody in my situation. It was hurtful, and really, I just felt betrayed. I asked him if he knew exactly what he’d just said, and he literally gloated about he was a heartless person, I kid you not. I was speechless. Sabayon was my heart and soul, the last light in my life, the only purpose in my sick little existence that I could still hold on to. He then proceeded to question my sickness when I asked him how he could say such a thing. I told him how bad it was again, but like, he’d stuck a knife right through my heart, and my blood pressure and heart rate fell dangerously low and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I think he said “oh sorry” once after I told him my blood pressure and heart rate went to hell, but that was it.

I’ve never, ever, ever met anybody who would say that, especially since the amount of work I did was not in any controversy. I mean, even after leaving a few things as parting presents that I thought they could use, I removed over 40 MB of artwork just from the folder on the server when I was cleaning my “cubby.” And then of course, there was the fact that people from high and low inside of Sabayon have been asking me to stay, too, which is a good indicator by itself. The weird thing is that he started and tried to end the conversation trying to get me to stay. So why would he say that? It was cruel, hurtful, untrue, and didn’t accomplish anything other than appalling and hurting me on mental and even physical levels! How could anybody say that? Why did he say that?

So I sent the log to Fabio and said how it felt and pointed everything out, because surely the leader — one of “mommy and daddy” — would do something. But nope. Basically, I should just suck it up, and oh yeah, I should come back to Sabayon too, and went on to tell me that I should learn to use my sickness and that he thought I’d be a successful artist and stuff. But nope, nothing about Dark Mage. That was apparently a perfectly okay way to represent Sabayon, and while trying to re-recruit somebody too. Fabio just didn’t care. Mommy didn’t care. I felt hurt all over again. Nothing will happen. There will be no justice for this, and the only thing that’ll heal the ache I feel in my soul will be time, but it’ll always be a sore spot for however long I get to live.

I can’t believe how heartless people can be, and I can’t believe people who are proud of being heartless. They want me to stay, then they say something like that, and then they go back to trying to get me to stay. All I know is that my soul hurts now.

It hurts a lot, and nothing will happen.

UPDATE: Dark Mage left me a little message.

(2/17/2007 3:00:53 AM) D@rk M@gє: when you’ve stopped crying you know where sabayon is if you really want to help with your arts the art direction will wait for you until someone else get it….so if you’re in time you can get back to your place as art coordinator and director, when fabio will decide who will be the new art director you could only be a common art dev….so I think you should make up your mind quickly before someone else gets your place
(2/17/2007 3:10:50 AM) D@rk M@gє: and in any case whatever I’ve send fabio the log before you did :) there are no secrets of what I do or say, I just wanted you to get back to your place with us, but looks like you’ve misunderstood me, you may choose to hate and give me any guilt for chris to go away I don’t care :) you’ve already accused me to have influenced fabio to get rid of him so I see you don’t like me at all but as I said you have to report only to fabio not to me, I’m not a leader or a co-whatsoever, what did you expect fabio to do to me? scold me? spank me? he knew I was trying to have you back with us so there’s no reason for him to do anything, I think you’re pissed off with me because you think I’m the reason of chris to go away :)…. do as you wish it’s your thought and I can see there’s no way to change it, even if it’s not true at all

Yup, that’s right! The first time, he asked me to stay, bashed me, and then asked me to stay. And now he left me another message that bashes me, asks me to stay, bashes me again, and asks me to stay. This is just silly at this point.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 16th, 2007 at 8:24 pm and is filed under All Entries, My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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