I got metaphorically kicked in the balls last night by somebody I pretty much idolized. It was somebody who I trusted in a way that I hadn’t ever trusted anybody else, but when I told them that, they called me dramatic and naive. I’d gone to them all open and hopeful and thought that they were excited to see me too. I brought news that I thought would make her and possibly by extension others happier, but not only did it turn out to be irrelevant anyway, but they told me they didn’t care anyway, that I was driving them insane, and so forth. I put my quarter in the machine and punched “Happiness,” but the machine gave me “Wake The Fuck Up” instead.

After about an hour of me standing there stunned and getting my ass kicked, I guess they realized that I wasn’t retaliating, and how much effect she was having on me. “I’m just really busy and you irritated me a little so don’t worry about it, don’t pay it any mind, okay? James? Hearts!” and I said, “Yeah, it’s all fine, don’t worry about it” and threw a smiley in there, too. I wanted to just will that nasty, empty, there-is-a-pit-where-my-insides-used-to-be feeling away, and figured I’d sleep on it. I crawled into bed and consoled myself until I fell asleep with things like, “How good you were to her, how understanding of you to let it wash over you like that without firing back” and “It’s just a one time thing, you know she isn’t really like that, she didn’t mean all that stuff at all, it’s like she said, she was just tired and stressed and you showed up between chores.” I mean, I told her I was fine and that everything was fine. And even threw in a smiley to reassure her of it, too. So it was over.

But this morning, I didn’t really feel much better. I still had that weird, very tangible empty feeling, but I was also frustrated. The sensation of being stunned wasn’t gone, but it was accompanied by lots of frustrations now. The thought of “I didn’t deserve any of that” that was previously spoken in my head with a quiet tone was now furious, and instead of being a simple reflection, it was now spoken more like an accusation against the person who had dropkicked me. I felt bad about being angry since I’d said I was fine, but I was. The shower-song this morning had all the typical “I thought you were different, but you’re just like the rest” and “You are why I was the way I was before I knew you” stuff you’d expect (yeah, I ‘write my own songs’ in the shower). I just felt angry, hurt, empty, alone, and even betrayed somehow. I regretted not pointing out all the things I realized about the person to them that made it into the song, so that they’d know what they really did and that somebody else knew too. I regretted not dismissing what she did and verbally backhanding her for doing it, so I wouldn’t have been a punching bag. I regretted telling her everything was fine and putting that stupid smiley there to make it seem like it really was no big deal, because it was. So I’m just smoldering, fazed, and feeling like I was fooled.

You know the scene in every action movie ever where the guy is walking away in the snow, typically flicking a cigarette behind him and then putting his hands in his pockets? And he just looks so cool and detached, like the world didn’t matter? And his face says “Whatever” and his eyes flash “I’ll do what I need to do from now on” and all that? And he’s walking away from a bunch of other people who just look so terribly surprised that he’s so composed and cool, and are speechless at the sight of his footsteps leading away from them in the snow? That’s how I feel right now.

Just to make sure that somebody gets something out of this, I’ll leave you with this. Part of it might sound conceited, so if it helps, pretend you’re hearing this from somebody other than me. A lot of the girls I know have been saying lately things like, “Where have all the good men gone? I don’t think they ever existed, did they?” It’s pretty damn simple actually. There’s plenty of people out there who really don’t ever do anything bad, and when they do it’s never anything big and yet they feel terribly guilty anyway and in their head make a huge deal about setting things right, as if the honor test only took one mistake to fail. It’s not that we’re saints though. It’s that we’re terrified of the image you paint of us as these terrible, rude, self-indulgent, chauvinist, rapist, spineless, immoral, rash, dumb pigs. We’re not saints, we’re just afraid of becoming what you say we are and know we aren’t. So the answer to your second question is yes, we do exist. Where did we go? We live behind our walls, alone and afraid of the rest of you each for our own reasons, consoling ourselves by day with, “You should be proud, you haven’t done anything wrong for two weeks now, and you helped another person with something today and didn’t ask for, expect, or receive any thanks!” and having nightmares by night about “What if you’re misunderstood, or worse, what if you’re wrong and you’re really no better yourself?” That’s where we’ve all gone, and that’s how we are. You put us there. Every once in a while, we’ll forget why we built the walls and wander out, or we’ll make an exception and let somebody in. And we’ll be happy to be out, and we’ll get more and more comfortable with the idea that hey, everybody is good and sincere like I am! And then we’ll be walking along staring at the sun and listening to the birds just like that, helping others without them knowing and doing things to make them happy with the belief that others also can’t wait to do the same for us. And then you get to where you were walking, and you knock on the door and everything is all smiles, and you’ve brought flowers. And then you get kicked in the balls and go back to your walls where you can lead the miserable life of looking out and seeing how terrible humanity can be on an hourly basis and yet feeling obligated yourself to be different by helping the very same humanity that you regularly and plainly see to be so vicious, and once again consoling yourself about the dilemma of living like that by patting yourself on the back for your altruism. I imagine there’s something similar with girls too, but I wouldn’t know anything about that.

P.S. Anybody who asks about the stuff I talk about in this blog entry will simply be given a link to this blog entry even if they’ve already read it. It’s all you get. And anybody who asks for names will be flat out ignored.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 2:50 pm and is filed under All Entries, My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.