Archive for the ‘Ridiculous’ Category
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Get Married To Cruise, Part 2
To say the least, I’ve gotten a lot of different reactions about how I’m going to get married (and divorced!) just to go on a cruise. Some of you smirked approvingly and called me a genius, others tried to delicately tell me how concerned they were, and a few came to me laughing and insisting that this must be an April Fools joke based on the timing.
The fact of the matter though is that everybody wants to beat the system. You can’t do better than everybody else unless you do things different from everybody else, and this means facing your inhibitions and grabbing each opportunity by the horns without worrying what the rest of the herd thinks. It takes brains to see the better path, but it takes guts to walk it.
Blah, blah, blah.
With that being said, if you were one of the people that came to me and declared that this was just a merry little prank, then… you already know that you were absolutely right about this being an exercise in bullshit, heh. Thanks for not spoiling it for everybody else, and hopefully you enjoyed being in on it after we talked! I’m just sad that we weren’t able have the fake “marriage party” at Speckles Park today, because that would been the perfect way to top it off and let the bag out of the cat, as the great Sir Bill Lemei would say.
The rest of you can feel free start leaving comments and stuff about how you, like, totally knew all along and, like, that’s why at the beginning of the conversation you, like, typed lulz or something once or twice. Happy April Fools Day, everybody!
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Get Married To Cruise?
Alright, now that you’ve seen the title, let me explain.
I love to travel pretty much more than anything. I want to see the world, and one of the best ways to see lots of places is to go on cruises since food, activities, and so forth are included. If you do the math, it ends up being quite a bit cheaper than if you actually stay at hotels (even less expensive ones) and eat at restaurants, which you’d probably want to do. Yeah, hostels are fine, but if you actually put time into finding deals on cruises then you can still get to more places for cheaper. And obviously there’s something different and nice about cruises too, right?
The trouble is that pretty much all the cruise lines require you to have somebody who is at least 21 with you. For a long time, this has put a pretty big damper on my travel fantasies. However, I’ve recently found a loophole for a cruise that I’d very much like to go on near the end of the year. Take a look for yourself at Royal Caribbeans’ exception for married couples:
No child under 21 years of age is allowed in a stateroom unless accompanied by an adult aged 21 years or older. This age restriction will be waived only for underage married couples (proof of marriage is required) or for minor children sailing with their parents or guardians in adjacent staterooms.
Bingo.
So now you see the plan, and hopefully you aren’t freaking out. If you can stay calm long enough to think about it, this is actually very practical. I’ve talked about this with Kendra Owens, who already has enjoyed several cruises with her family. We talked about it quite a bit, actually, and obviously we laughed our asses off (and we’re still laughing), but yeah. It’s happening. Oh God, it’s happening (did I mention the laughing?).
We’re going to get one of those drive-through marriages in the beginning of April so that the paperwork can be done, and then as soon as we get back from the 14 Night Canary Islands & Portugal cruise, we’re going to get legally divorced (can you hear the laughing yet?). We’re totally just taking advantage of a loophole, but hey, I’m just enough of a lawyer dick to be okay with it.
And let’s face it. Marriages these days are hardly serious anyway.
Anyway, since we don’t actually care, we’d like to simultaneously invite you to our marriage and divorce party. We’ll probably just have some sodas in Spreckles or something like that, and basically, we’ll just be celebrating our own douchbaggery. For wedding presents, bring us cookies or something and we’ll love you forever, or at least until our divorce party on December 22 this year (at which time we shall expect more cookies).
I don’t know how many people do this, but we can’t possibly be the first, and it seems like this is what drive-through chapels are designed for. If anybody would like to join Kendra and I as we laugh our way through Spain, the Canary Islands, Portugal, and even Morocco, just grab a “partner” and come and get “married” with us. The round trip plane tickets will be $900 per person, and the cruise itself will be $1,100 for two people, so it’s actually $550 per person. $1,450 (you can add your own shopping money) is a very good deal for seeing all these places, and that’s the point. So if you get a job fairly soon then you still might be able to come with us. And no, I don’t think your “special other” will be terribly offended if you ask for a pre-nup.
This is going to work perfectly. I am a genius. I think I’ll have to get “married” next year too. Aren’t I romantic? Now, how to explain to the parents so that they don’t freak out and get the wrong idea…
If you’ve gotten this far, then see how things turned out in part 2!
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Actually, I AM good, Grammarface!
“And what about you? How are you?” he asked me politely.
“I’m good,” I responded.
“You mean ‘Well.” Unless you’re a superhero or something, your grammar is incorrect.”
“HA! ACTUALLY, YOUR CORRECTION IS INCORRECT! IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF DARTH VADER, I HAVE YOU NOW! BEW BEW, KABOOM! HA HA!”
Cough, ahem.
Anyway, I was right, and I always said that I’d find some third-party source whenever people corrected me, but never really did because there’s quite a few more interesting things to do. But one floated across my screen, so I’m posting about it now, and I shall forever link to this blog post when people try to get me. Har har!
I mean, obviously this is more playful than anything because the number of people that actually care is quite small, but finally, at long last, my amusing vindication is here! And I didn’t have to go out of my way to look anything up! Huzzah!
3. It’s incorrect to answer the question “How are you?” with the statement “I’m good.” Wrong! Am is a linking verb and linking verbs should be modified by adjectives such as good. Because well can also act as an adjective, it’s also fine to answer “I’m well,” but some grammarians believe “I’m well” should be used to talk about your health and not your general disposition. (See episode 51 for more details.)
This is from the Grammar Girl, by the way.
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Bus Fight
With my high school finally having given me my transcripts and the college application process getting underway at long last, I’ve been thinking about the other careers that I was once sure that I’d pursue. One of the things that I wanted to be for a long time was a judge, and though I’m certain I’d be happier as a successful graphic designer, a tiny part of me still wants to go that route instead.
That’s probably part of why I’m so interested in a video that made it onto Digg recently that shows a rather unpleasant altercation on a school bus involving a teenage student and the driver. Cases where an authority is allowed to take away a right that a person normally has (such as the right to get off a bus) are very interesting to me since I have the overall view that basically says, “The law is meant to make it so that ‘your rights stop where my rights start’, to give certain legal advantages to the people when dealing with the government, and to keep the government accountable and severely in check.”
And I’m probably more interested even than I’d normally be in this video because I can definitely see self-defense claims being made, which is pretty much a sure way to get my attention since I practice karate (which makes self-defense matters interesting and relevant by default) and have actually gotten in trouble at school once for successfully protecting myself, but that’s a different fun story.
So with that little background given, here’s the video before I go further. It’s about ten minutes long, but I’ve already watched it a couple times and have played back snippits of it endlessly. It pretty much shows the whole thing from the start to the end, with the “biggest tussle” being about eight minutes in or so. I found the whole thing fascinating, like I said.
Just for flavor and to add some entertainment value, I’m going to show you what I think about this in a dialog format between “Real James” and “Judge James.” Imagine the regular James you know sitting in a chair next to another James, who is wearing the traditional black robes of a judge on some show like Hardball or Meet The Press.
Ready, set, action!
Real James: First off, I think we all agree that the student girl was outrageous. Maybe she’s a more attractive person normally, but what I saw wasn’t exactly hot stuff.
Judge James: I can’t let personal opinions like that effect my rulings, but yes, her immaturity is self-evident. I think she’s living evidence of why you’re a minor until you’re at least eighteen.
Real James: We don’t actually know for sure if she’s eighteen.
Judge James: She doesn’t look or act that old to me. I’m going to assume she’s not eighteen.
Real James: Always the safer assumption.
Judge James: Stephanie would call you a “creepster” for that joke, you know. And since when do you make jokes like that anyway?
Real James: Enough about the younger girl, Judge. Didn’t you feel terrible for the bus driver? I mean, not just for having to put up with a brat like that, but at the very end when it looks like she’s fallen down and is just pitifully asking the radio where her help was, didn’t you just want to jump into the video and hug her?
Judge James: Sure, but that’s personal opinion as well, and as a Judge, I need to be as objective as possible. Now, what are the likely accusations against the bus driver here?
Real James: The brat effectively accuses the bus driver of assault and battery, and though she does not actually accuse her of theft when she takes away her cell phone, somehow I get the feeling that she’s the kind of person that would say that.
Judge James: Right. Now, as you know, “assault” refers to threats and attempts to strike, while “battery” refers to actually having struck. This is important because you need to have somebody “assault” you before you can do anything in “self-defense” against them. Even though the video does seem to show the bus driver touching the student first, it also seems to me that the student physically made the first move, moving toward her somewhat aggressively as if to bull rush (or “bull fast-walk” in this case) right through her.
Real James: Also, looking at the video, it’s hard to tell, but it looks a little bit like the girl suddenly throws her hands up really suddenly a moment before the bus driver puts her hands on the girl to push her back, while saying something like “You better not touch me!”
Judge James: Correct. So basically, the self-defense argument hinges on the assumption that the aggressive approach of the girl was a reasonably conceived “assault” in the legal sense.
Real James: So now, how does self-defense work when students are involved?
Judge James: Obviously people like teachers and bus drivers are strictly not allowed to do anything to their wards. It’s a risk for them to ever touch the students. However, I’m pretty sure that this does not mean they have to just let themselves get beat up by an angry student. If the student is acting in such a way that physical contact is unavoidable, such as when the student is trying to hit or “bull fast-walk” into the teacher, the teacher is at least allowed to try to stop the student and shield themselves, but the use of force should definitely be absolutely minimal here.
Real James: Judge, just look at that bus driver. She’s tiny and old, and the student is young and apparently healthy and even somewhat muscular. Well, I wouldn’t really call her muscular, but compared to the bus driver she certainly was. Later on, the girl seems to smother her even! Anyway, when she’s pushing her away in the beginning, how is that not minimal force? The girl didn’t even whimper or anything, and the other kids clearly didn’t think it was enough to warrant stepping in.
Judge James: Agreed. So when the girl first makes the accusation of assault and battery by declaring that she would sue the bus driver for touching her, I feel that she has a pretty weak case.
Real James: How about later, when the bus driver’s daughter comes and starts to fight the girl, pulling her hair and apparently punching her to get her off her mother? If the bus driver is in the clear, what about her daughter? If that brat (sloppily) tackled my mother like that, I’d get up and pummel her for as long as it took to get her off too! And she was clearly stating both why she was getting involved and the condition for her stopping by saying, “Get off my mother!” over and over. I just don’t blame her at all!
Judge James: Don’t worry. Fortunately, “self-defense” in the legal sense not only covers protecting yourself, but also works for protecting your family. Maybe the girl did not use the absolute minimum amount of force, but there actually isn’t any official, objective scale for determining that anyway. In theory, the girl could have used a baseball bat to get the girl off of her mother, as long as she did not continue to beat her or chase her down after she got her off.
Real James: Good. She should’ve. Well, not really. But I’m relieved that it works like that.
Judge James: Indeed.
Real James: I’m a little bit worried though. See, I feel like the bus driver did everything right, really. I mean, the manner in which she confiscated the cell phone was a bit questionable, but technically the girl offered her the phone anyway to talk to her mother, so actually, I think I’ll be a smartass and defend that too since I really don’t feel like the bus driver deserves to get in trouble at all in this case. But others might not feel like I do, and you can clearly hear one of the other students on the bus near the end talking on his own cell phone saying, “Oh my god, the bus driver freaked out and punched a girl!” Since the worst of it was just a little bit off the screen since the girl bowled into the bus driver and pusher her in the corner, will the rely on people like that kid to say what happened?
Judge James: I think any competent lawyer could prove that not only are those witnesses not terribly credible, but also that none of them had line of sight. Regardless, it’s true that we never really see a punching motion, but we do see the girl shove and smother the bus driver, so if the bus driver made a punching motion to the girl’s stomach to get her off (if her arms were caught in front of her) or if the bus driver banged on her back with her fists (if her arms ended up wrapped around her, like in a messy grapple), then that would be a pretty easy case for “self-defense.”
Real James: What about the people who are saying that the bus driver is at fault for not just ending the situation before it even started by letting the girl out when she asked to get off?
Judge James: School bus drivers can’t legally do that, actually. The girl and her parents would have had to sign a document that explained how students can only be let out at the designated bus stops (except in emergencies), and that the bus drivers are legally responsible for them until then. Parents can actually sue school bus drivers if this isn’t adhered to, and you can search the internet for countless legal cases when something happened to a student who was prematurely released by a bus driver. In fact, the bus driver can go to jail potentially. They really just aren’t allowed to let the students go. In an issue like this where there’s no emergency, the bus driver did the right think by just blocking the students way and guarding the “space behind the line on the floor” (which actually exist in school buses for this reason) so that the girl couldn’t press the button to open the door.
Real James: I heard some guy say that it was kidnapping and illegal imprisonment. He seemed a little bit silly.
Judge James: That’s because he was silly. Probably misinformed, too. Not everybody knows or understands how school bus drivers just aren’t allowed to let the kids off anywhere.
Real James: I totally agree with all this, but couldn’t somebody argue that it became an emergency for the other students when the bus driver was attacked?
Judge James: Well, temper tantrums and disciplinary issues like that aren’t really the intention of the word “emergency” in my opinion, but I could see a legitimate argument formed around that. But the other students eventually did just that, and it doesn’t really help the girl that caused it all. To be honest, I feel like all of the students should have remained on the bus until the help that was summoned arrived, but I suppose I would advise the school against actually punishing them.
Real James: I think that if I had been there, I would have been one of the kids who stayed behind to see if the bus driver was okay. I mean, really, I just feel bad for her like I said.
Judge James: Apparently, you’re one of few who would do that.
Real James: The ones who did it seemed more interested in playing teacher’s pet than actually helping the bus driver though, so I’d almost rather get them out of the way.
Judge James: You aren’t a paramedic or anything yourself.
Real James: That’s not the point. Anyway, they probably should have all stayed on the bus, but I can at least understand how it all led up to them deciding to crack open an emergency exit.
Judge James: They should at least be firmly told to not leave the bus like that though, and given brief lecture as to why.
Real James: Sounds fine to me.
Judge James: In conclusion, I think there’s plenty of justifications for how the bus driver responded to the situation, and if the woman decided to press charges against the girl, I would not dismiss them from my court.
Real James: I just wish that any one of the laughing boys with dumb grins would’ve intervened instead of watching and giving each other high-fives. Or better yet, I wish the girl wasn’t such a brat in the first place.
Judge James: She should be ashamed, and her parents should not be proud of what we all saw.
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Most Unintentionally Creepy Web Site
Alright, so I was going through Engadget’s coverage of CES and followed some links in the comments. I believe that I have found the world’s creepiest web site, which actually belongs to pretty large and well-known company called Toto. As I cringed in absolute horror, I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off.
What’s funny is that this was clearly made by actual big business graphic designers, marketing consultants, advertising specialists, video producers, and professional actors. Anyway, if you have any other unintentionally creepy web sites, post them in the comments.
Without further adieu, here is my submission for the world’s most unintentionally creepy site. Prepare to get a visual kick in the butt, and do watch the whole intro through because the creepiness doesn’t even begin until like ten or fifteen seconds.
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